Da Blond leading the Blind

My my my. Where do I start? The night started with a pretty
enthusiastic crowd. One notable group was a Michigan Wymyn's birthday
party. They later request a fun song to "rock out and dance" to.
When they dragged their butz off the seats, we were treated to visions
of Golden Grrls that may well need to be taken off Lifetime support.
Another surprise guest was SugarTooth from the Partridge Family of
Funk. I hammed it up during my warm up hoping to get my big break.

My phone has been *not* ringing all morning. I shared some trance
podcasts with the beefy bouncer. There were a lot of first timers in
the crowd. I cannot remember the last time I have had so many
incomplete sign up sheets.

The evening came to a notorious close when two people insisted they
had tabs, But no tabs were found. I was DD for the lead bartender.
After he went in the office to deal with the money, I waited an
unreasonable amount of time. Finally I went to the door and knocked.
There was no answer. Concerned, I tried to open the door. There was
an obstacle. I pushed harder and found him sprawled in the chair with
his foot at the door. Money was al over the floor. I said his name
ad he didn't move. I grabbed his knee and he woke up. We cleaned up
the money, I drove him home and ignored his constant stream of wrong
directions. Called a Taxi, hit the late night Slyder Station and made
it home. Just another long night at le Splat.

Sirloin End Pork Roast Only $1/LB at Save a Lot.

I have no earthly idea why this title popped in play.  I recognize it as something from an rss feed I read a while back, so it is not truly random.  On Google Reader, I "shared" it.  But that does not explain, why so much time later, it shows up as auto fill when I am writing an effin blog post.  But it still amused me, so I kept it.  After all, its ONE DOLLAR A POUND!

I can't believe its been two weeks since I last wrote.  Time flies when you're not doing much.

Krapaoke, was pretty big this week.  Horse Sales are going on, which brings in an influx of international buyers.  They have a local ring leader that brings them to Le Splat on Mondays.  They are wild, unruly, and many are inebriated.  They fit right in.   One particular, high roller, was stumbling around climbing on stage each chance he got.  But as part of the "astronomical tipping fraternity" I gave him a wide berth.  My helper was about to puff up on him, and I motioned for her to cut him some slack.  She began to play nice, and he ended up tipping her $50.  I think I made my point.

As the short bus unloaded all the buyers, there was a mad rush to sing.  To call out requests.  To interrupt me for a question, while I was talking (or singing) on the mic.  Drunk people can have such misplaced senses of urgency.  Charo, one of the bartenders, later told me it was the same way ordering drinks.  They'll be waiving their money as if their very life depended on it, then when asked for their drink order, they acted surprised they had to make up their mind.  Not unlike game show contestants so intent on hitting the buzzer first, they don't hear the question.

Eventfully the rush moved down to the local Irish bar, and we had some breathing room.  During the big crush times, you can really only mark time.  Reminds me of marching band and marching in place.  I was ready to cut it off at 2:00 because all of a sudden, no one was coming up when I called.  All the urgency, apparently was because they only planned on staying so long.  But I had some late comers that were attractive and rich.  Guess what.  kept going for 45 minutes.

- Papa's got a brand new Splat

crapaoke

It was a slow start and that means people drink more. I've long had a theory that bartenders can only make so many drinks per hour. With fewer people they tend to drink more. What this implies is bad or slow service is the only thing keeping people sober.

Aunt B was there all night. On my side, when it is slow I can never get ahead. When it is busy I have more time to pull discs but tonight. My general rule on sign ups is that if you are too drunk to fill out a slip, you're too drunk to get on stage. Tonight that was over ruled by aunt B to great crapaoke suck-sess.      The girl in question was so drunk, she left before her turn came up.  Then came back and demanded to know when he turn was.  Then barged on stage when some neophyte singers were doing a duet.  Finally I got her off stage and got her song on the next turn.  It was comic relief at least.
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Sent from my Verizon Wireless Samsung SCH-U740 device.

Tomorrow is the crappaoke

I actually enjoy it and look forward to it.  I have not met my counterpart as of yet.  But we'll see.  This post is primarily to work out the kinks in the new theme.  Planner.

- Papa's got a brand new Splat

A classic from the Bar Bitch

Dear everyone who has or shall act like an ass to an employee of any
establishment:
Without any preamble or unnecessary set up to drive my point, I shall
merely begin with this: you, the customer, are in a very precarious
and potentially unhealthy or unpleasant situation waiting to happen.
You see, waiters and bartenders have access to the food and beverages
that you will place into you mouth and allow passage to your gullet.
Retail employees have access to your personal financial information
when you hand them your credit card. Parking lot attendants may watch
over your car just as easily as turning a blind eye. Bank tellers
handle your paycheck and bills and nest eggs. I could go, but i think
I've made my point here.
There is no solidarity among the working class, so just because -for
example-you are a server who goes out to be waited on by another
server this does not mean all is forgiven when you act like a
pretentious and overbearing shit. more than likely, this means you
will either be given visine in your cocktail or -and this is my
favorite- a used or dirty straw. the best revenge after all, is a
subtle and secret revenge.
dear customers worldwide, we bring you your food. your drinks. you
voluntarily give us access to your digestive and immune systems on a
weekly basis and if you think we are unaware of this power, then think
again. Do not believe that a sturdy and pious moral fiber prevents a
serving class individual from exacting a type of payback upon you for
grievous errors in manners and social etiquette. this is not 1758;
there is no such thing as a loyal servant.
one serving job is much like another and therefore we are all at any
given time willing to risk losing the current job in lieu of
physically harming a customer who has crossed the line and for
example: has sexually assaulted us or threatened our lives or just
generally pissed us off. as an aside to kronick: tell me who this guy
PJ is and I'll make sure he drinks smoker's loogies for a long while.
in summation...be nice to your server or checkout person or launderer.
say please and thank you to your gas pump attendant or your hair
stylist or your karaoke coordinator. you'll never know when we've
licked our finger and stuck it in your rib eye or around the rim of
your martini UNLESS you can be certain that you haven't pissed us off.
thank you.

Classic Le Splat Bios

MiaSplat

A chronicle of one small bar/restaurant/sty in one medium sized urban county.
*About Us*

Name:Barbitch
Age:27
Gender:Female
Location:LeSplat, otherwise known as The Mouth of Madness or Gross,
What Did I Just Put My Elbow In?
Likes: Fine Newcastle English Brown Ale, my dogs, accessories, sitting
on my couch, a damn fine cup of coffee, TMBG, syncroncity, vintage
thing(s), not paying for tattoos, joss whedon and comic books
Dislikes: lack of coffee and flavored creamer, the fact that i have no
apointment television shows, exercising, doing the dishes, people who
fail to use turn signals, physical pain (most specifically my own),
lack of accessories
Recently I: Began writing a romance novel in lieu of the great
american novel and realized i suck at writing the sex scenes...

Name:Kronick
Age:40-ish, as in "Ish, I am Forty already?" I want my 20s back.
Gender:Male
Location:LeSplat
Likes: Warm Puppies, Digital Cable, DVR, Red Wine, Ratatoulle, Molson
Canadian, Thrift Shops, French Vanilla Coffee Creamer, Really bad
biographies about very uninteresting people, Natural Body parts,
Melting Stuff.
Dislikes: Unrelated children not related to me, Paying retail, Four
way stops, other people's driving, Weak coffee, Fake accents,
Congestive Heart Failure, the questioning of my credentials, When my
underground lair's sprinkler system goes off - despite no second hand
smoke, Stuff that doesn't melt.
Recently I: Lost one quarter of my body weight in fluid in 8 days.

Papa's Got a Brand New Splat

It started with one, then people found it, then we moved it, then we lost access to it. But since I have started working again at le Splat, I decided to start blogging about it again. I will spork as much as I can form the other incarnations and offer up links. Because they never go away,.